In May of this year, I graduated with a degree in Psychology. It's taken five years but I've finally done it. I'm getting a second degree in Communications this December and had to take two more classes for that, one in the summer and one online that I am currently taking. After my summer class was over I was sooooo stoked that I didn't have to be in class anymore, sit through boring lectures, etc. I was still going to be in school come August but being as it was an online course, I could do the coursework whenever was most convenient for me.
Classes started yesterday at my university. I drove there for two reasons: 1) to pick up my textbook and 2) to use the gym to go swimming. Driving into campus this weird feeling came over me: I felt like a stranger on a campus that I still belonged to. There were loads of students walking around with backpacks on, books in hand, bags in hand from the book store. There were flocks of freshman walking around in little packs and I stood in the middle of all this. And yet, I felt like I didn't belong. I had no backpack on, I had a baseball cap with our logo on it and I looked like a student in my dress: cargo shorts and a graphic tee but I felt like a visitor. I tried to shake this feeling as I walked into the bookstore and bought my book but I couldn't quite do it. Memories flooded me as I roamed the bookstore and I remembered dropping about $400 just last semester on books.
After I bought my ridiculously overpriced book, I drove over to the gym and headed inside. At our gym entrances are places where they swipe our student ID cards which shows them that we are in fact students at this university. It normally takes 15 seconds for them to swipe your card, see your photo on the computer screen, half-ass glance at you to see if you match up and let you in. All in all, not a sound security system. I get up there and the lady swipes my card and I immediately know there is a problem because she starts clicking with her mouse. She turns to look at me and asks if I've paid my fees and I told her I did and she directed me to another building to sort it out. I get over there and tell them the problem and they ask me if I have paid my fees recently and I said that I had paid them 31 July. They asked me if I was a full time student and I said no, I just had the one class. She gives me this look and explains to me that I have to be a full time student to use the gym so I asked her if I could pay the fees to use it like you do in the summer time and she said no and that in order to use the gym I had 1) be a full time student myself or 2) live with a full time student and have proof of that.
I walked away feeling upset not only because I couldn't work out which I was actually looking forward to, but confused because I WAS student there so why couldn't I use the gym? I understand that full time students pay all these fees which include fees for the gym, athletic fees for student ticketing, etc....I KNOW all of this but it still came as a shock. I was a part of this university but at the same time....not really. As I drove home, I teared up a bit because this is not what I pictured the start of this term being like. At the end of my summer class I was so excited that I no longer had to sit in class and listen to the professor ramble on. But it turns out that I miss all that. I miss walking around campus on your way to class. I miss the interactions you get in class, meeting new people, going to the clubs, etc. I MISS THAT!! You gotta understand something about me here: I love my university, like I really, really love it. I love the atmosphere, I love the friends I have made here, everywhere I go there is a memory of something that has happened to me over the past five years. I love the sports at my school, half my closet is red, I have real pride in where I go to school. I know most people say that about their respective universities but I take real pride in where I have been for the past five years. And even though using the gym on campus isn't something unique about the school, it was just another thing that separated me from all the other students walking around me.
That night I came home upset but got cheered up when I hung out with Rudy, Jera, and Kyle at Hooters while we were celebrating him leaving for Iraq in November. I got a call from Rudy saying Jera and Kyle wanted to celebrate him leaving and even now I'm not sure why they are celebrating him leaving but I did have a good time with them. When Rudy and I got back to his place I was telling him how I was feeling and we had a good 45 minute conversation about it and I went to bed last night feeling slightly better.
Enter this morning.
I wake up and thought, well if I can't use the gym, that is ok, I'll find another place to work out but football season and volleyball season are fast approaching and I've been waiting for them to start up. So I go to our ticketing site to see when the request dates for tickets are and I was having trouble logging in. It kept saying I was ineligible to log into the site. So I checked their FAQ section and it said that only full time students were able to use this site because in their tuition, they paid the athletic fees in order for them to get student tickets. My face fell. This is what I was really looking forward to all year was that I had one more semester to go to sports games and now they are telling me I can't get student tickets. I was and still am devastated. I feel so cut off from the university now because I can't do any of this stuff. I can't use the gym, I can't use my own ID card to get student tickets. I am technically a part of this university but in essence, I'm really not. I'm not a student here, I'm someone who is taking a class, an online class at that, and I really don't need to....hell I'm not encouraged to be a part of what makes college, college! It really rocked me because I was looking forward to coming back on campus to visit with my friends, go to games with them, and just get as much out of my last semester as possible and now I'm not allowed because I'm not a full time student.
This sounds stupid but after 18-19 years of going to school every August and having this regimen of when I was supposed to go to class, what homework I had, where I had a meal plan for on campus, etc...all of it gone. For the past five years, I was Erin, a student at this university. I was getting my degree and loving college. I feel like now, that identity has been stripped from me. And what kills me is that I am still a part of this university! I have my ID card, I am taking a class but what makes college life, college life I can't easily participate in anymore. It sucks because while my friends are in college, going to classes, eating in the dining halls, enjoying the college atmosphere and activities constantly going on around campus, I am at home, watching online videos for my class and going to work. I have entered in the adult world and I honestly don't want to be in it at this point. It sounds babyish and maybe it is but I am not ready to leave that atmosphere or at least wasn't prepared for it to leave me in that abrupt fashion. I would have been ready come December when I was done with school but the fact that I am still in school and can't do any of this, it blew me away. I wasn't ready for that abrupt goodbye, wasn't prepared to say goodbye to my school. Now I'm forced to rapidly adjust to this new "life" with no grace period.
As upset as I do still feel about all of this, it's not entirely to waste. When I was told Rudy about this, he said I could use his student ticket to go to the football games and basketball games he can't go to and smaller sports such as baseball, tennis, and volleyball all you have to do is show them your university ID which I have so it's not a total shut out. Unfortunately it's just one of those things I'll have to get used to as I enter the adult world, I just didn't think I would get this abrupt shove into it so soon......
20 August, 2009
Spoiled?
It definitely has been quite a while since my last post, my apologies on that one. I just haven't been motivated to write much. I have plenty of things I want to say just never got the motivation to write about it. But I'm hoping to change that now.
About three weeks ago, I moved out of my apartment and into a town home with two of my friends. The week before I moved in sucked because I would be working in the morning then come home to load up my car for a couple of hours, drive to the new place and unpack and put away there. I was going to bed on average around 1-2 am every night just to turn around and do the same thing the next day. One of my friend's mother died unexpectedly that week and I went to the funeral where I was a complete basket case. But finally I had gotten everything moved in to the new place, checked out of the old place and that night I had moved in, by 2 am I was unpacked and organized. So like I said, I have been living in this new place for about three weeks and it has taken some adjusting but I'm starting to feel more comfortable in the place. It was weird at first because it is not my house so I didn't want to be a messy roommate and I just felt like a guest in a hotel but it's eased since then and I feel more comfortable.
What is new since I have moved is that my parent's have cut me off. Not in that mean, you're sucking us dry cut off, but I have graduated with one degree and they had always said that they would pay for me to go to college and then I would be on my own. They gave me an extra year to boot but it was time for, as my dad likes to call it, the money train to leave the station. I never considered myself spoiled because I have always pictured spoiled kids to be whiny brats who demand everything and if they don't get it in five seconds they scream and thrown themselves down on the ground. However, when I was planning out my budget recently I realized just how much my parents actually paid for. They paid for my rent, my car, my car insurance, they gave me a monthly allowance for groceries, and they paid for big car repairs. Now that I'm on my own I am paying for my rent, my cell phone, all my gas and stuff, groceries, clothes. My parent's are still going to pay for my car and my health insurance but that is pretty much it.
What made me realized that yeah maybe I was spoiled was that I wanted to go somewhere one day and looked at my bank account and realized that I couldn't afford to do exactly that. It really sucked because I never realized before how easy I had it. If I wanted to go to a theme park, I could because myself personally had the money to spend. But now that I pay for almost everything, I can't just do that. It was definitely an eye-opening experience because it made me actually plan out on paper a budget for one and two made me realize that I can't just buy something that I want, that I need to look at the worthiness of this item and do I really, really need it. It is definitely something I'm still getting used to but it made me appreciate even more than I already did what my parents did for me.
About three weeks ago, I moved out of my apartment and into a town home with two of my friends. The week before I moved in sucked because I would be working in the morning then come home to load up my car for a couple of hours, drive to the new place and unpack and put away there. I was going to bed on average around 1-2 am every night just to turn around and do the same thing the next day. One of my friend's mother died unexpectedly that week and I went to the funeral where I was a complete basket case. But finally I had gotten everything moved in to the new place, checked out of the old place and that night I had moved in, by 2 am I was unpacked and organized. So like I said, I have been living in this new place for about three weeks and it has taken some adjusting but I'm starting to feel more comfortable in the place. It was weird at first because it is not my house so I didn't want to be a messy roommate and I just felt like a guest in a hotel but it's eased since then and I feel more comfortable.
What is new since I have moved is that my parent's have cut me off. Not in that mean, you're sucking us dry cut off, but I have graduated with one degree and they had always said that they would pay for me to go to college and then I would be on my own. They gave me an extra year to boot but it was time for, as my dad likes to call it, the money train to leave the station. I never considered myself spoiled because I have always pictured spoiled kids to be whiny brats who demand everything and if they don't get it in five seconds they scream and thrown themselves down on the ground. However, when I was planning out my budget recently I realized just how much my parents actually paid for. They paid for my rent, my car, my car insurance, they gave me a monthly allowance for groceries, and they paid for big car repairs. Now that I'm on my own I am paying for my rent, my cell phone, all my gas and stuff, groceries, clothes. My parent's are still going to pay for my car and my health insurance but that is pretty much it.
What made me realized that yeah maybe I was spoiled was that I wanted to go somewhere one day and looked at my bank account and realized that I couldn't afford to do exactly that. It really sucked because I never realized before how easy I had it. If I wanted to go to a theme park, I could because myself personally had the money to spend. But now that I pay for almost everything, I can't just do that. It was definitely an eye-opening experience because it made me actually plan out on paper a budget for one and two made me realize that I can't just buy something that I want, that I need to look at the worthiness of this item and do I really, really need it. It is definitely something I'm still getting used to but it made me appreciate even more than I already did what my parents did for me.
06 April, 2009
Piccadilly
I was looking through my vacation photos and I found this particular photo and it made me intensely happy. This photo was taken last May when I went to London with my cousin. This had to have been my favorite vacation ever. I've been to London a few times before but it's so it seemed so much better having no agenda and seeing whatever sights that I wanted to see.
This photo was taken in Piccadilly Circus and it was so cool being surrounded by all those people and unlike most other cities where you can feel swamped or alone, in London it felt like I was surrounded by people I knew. There was no standoffishness or glares shooting my way, it was just so chill and relaxed there...despite all the people walking by me. London is a great city with loads and loads of sights to see, but the best part about it is not what you see but what you feel. London has this amazing, exciting atmosphere that is incredibly addicting. As soon as you land, excitement bubbles up like a freaking volcano and your mood shoots sky high. Hell just thinking about London, I'm getting excited. I seriously cannot wait to go back there.
2 Goals Accomplished
Goals number 7 and 19 are now accomplished. A few weeks ago I decided to go ahead and purge my DVD collection. I honestly don't know what I was waiting for but I managed to knock out somewhere between 60-75 DVDs. I'm still left with about 150 but it was five bags worth of DVDs that I took out of my collection. It was amazing once I got started with the purging how easy it became to pull movies that I didn't watch anymore. The real gut buster came when I went to my local CD Warehouse and got diddly squat for them. I've invested over $2,000 at least in those damn things and it really hit me what a waste of money that really was. To think of what things I could have gotten with that wasted money, it's really depressing. I'm definitely not buying anymore DVDs there really isn't a point. It would have to be pretty damn good for me to waste my money on it. I also have Netflix and it's really made me wonder what the point is if I can just get it from Netflix....really takes the need to buy the DVD away when I can just rent it as many times, keep it for as long as I want. Thank you Netflix.
As far as letting go of my anger or whatever you want to call it for Brittany.....meh I don't know if it's resolved or not. We'll definitely never be friends again, at least not for a very, very, very long time but I don't know, if Rudy wants to be an idiot, then let him be the idiot. I don't have the energy anymore to care about it anymore. It's wasted 3 years of my life and I'm tired of caring about other people's problems. He's a big boy, it's his life, why should I give a fuck?? So I don't know if this is what one would consider resolved but at least I have it released from my system. I don't care anymore, my hackles are settling, it doesn't send my blood pressure through the roof anymore. And that's what I really wanted in the first place.
As far as letting go of my anger or whatever you want to call it for Brittany.....meh I don't know if it's resolved or not. We'll definitely never be friends again, at least not for a very, very, very long time but I don't know, if Rudy wants to be an idiot, then let him be the idiot. I don't have the energy anymore to care about it anymore. It's wasted 3 years of my life and I'm tired of caring about other people's problems. He's a big boy, it's his life, why should I give a fuck?? So I don't know if this is what one would consider resolved but at least I have it released from my system. I don't care anymore, my hackles are settling, it doesn't send my blood pressure through the roof anymore. And that's what I really wanted in the first place.
19 March, 2009
Wizards and vampires
I've always had a vivid imagination; I've spent countless hours both at home and in class dreaming of different worlds that I'm dying to be a part of. The first time I saw Interview with the Vampire, I was hooked; I watched that movie over and over again. I was about 8 or so when it came out and it had stuff in there that was probably not appropriate for someone my age but the vampire stuff I couldn't get enough of. It seemed so cool that they could live forever basically and, this is going to sound gross, but the drinking blood bit sounded soooooo cool. I don't know what it was about it but it sounded so awesome.
In high school I was introduced to the Harry Potter series and just like it was with vampires, I fell in love with the wizarding world as well. I couldn't get enough magic into my head. It was like a feeding frenzy when it came to the wizarding knowledge; I had to know anything and everything about what it meant to be a wizard. I was completely hooked on it. I would sit in class and daydream of Hogwarts and walking down the halls, discovering little corriders to explore, talking to ghosts, performing wizarding tricks on my friends. My dreams were even more vivid and it always sucked waking up because I knew I wasn't a witch anymore. I was the biggest geek when it came to Harry Potter; I re-read the books countless times, I owned all the movies, had the posters, had board games...I even went to a midnight book party for the 7th book. It was insane how crazed I was. Even to this day, having read the books at least five times each, and having had seen the movies countless times, my face and my mood just light up when I talk about wizards.
I recently saw the movie Twilight and I'll admit, when it first came out, I did not want to see it. I'd see loads of tweens freaking out about it and even some middle aged ladies going gaga over the movie and I thought it was ridiculous how stupid people were being over it. Needless to say, one Sunday night I got convinced by two of my friends to go see it at the $1.50 theatre and I sat in the chair with zero expectations.....within the first 10 minutes of the movie I was blown away. The passion this vampire Edward Cullen has is INCREDIBLE!!! Simply incredible. There is this one scene when he is describing how perfect a killer he is and how everything about him invites you in: from his scent, to his face, even his voice....everything about him draws you in. He is the perfect killer. As I'm sitting in the chair, I'm rapidly regressing back to my 8 year old mind set and was wishing desperately to be a part of that world. As the credits rolled, my jaw was on the floor and my heart was racing.....I wanted so badly to be in that world!!
Let me clarify, I'm definitely sane. My bolts are securely fastened to my head and no loose marbles are rolling around. But if there was a possibility to be either a wizard or a vampire, I would jump at that chance, no questions asked. Both of those lives fascinates me so much that it occupies my thoughts 80% of the time. The ability to have that much control and that much power over your own life is incredibly appealing. If I were a wizard, I could do unlimitless things!! I could fly on a bloom, I could play sports in mid air, I could disappear in a snap, I could catch things on fire, I could leg lock people.....I could do a lot!!! And if I was a vampire, I could live forever! I could see the Earth evolve into hopefully a better place. I've always had this fascination with biting, I actually used to bite people a lot when I was 4-5. I'd get letters sent home to my parents saying I bit another kid or something....it's funny now thinking back on it, but I'm sure my parents weren't thrilled at all. But biting is this weird thing, strangely erotic if you think about it in a weird, kinkyish sort of way....but it's fascinating. You have to be extremely close to someone to bite them; it's a very personal act, you invading someone's space and all. But I've always been fascinated by biting...I have no idea why but it just is fascinating. And the fact that vampires get to do that all the time would definitely seem intriguing.
I know this sounds really crazy, here is this weirdo who has a fascination with biting people and being a witch....perhaps someone should call the looney bin but no I think it's more than that. Not to sound egotistical or anything but I've always felt in my heart of hearts that I was meant for something great. Whether that be the person who invents longer lasting toilet paper or the girl who swam around the world....something where people would know who the hell I was. Believe me, I know that sounds insanely egotistical and makes me look like some attention craving weirdo but it's not that. I don't know how to exactly describe it but it's just there. It could stem from the fact that I'm not happy with my life at all. I love my friends, family, job, etc but I just feel like I'm supposed to be doing this great thing and I haven't the foggiest as to what it is. It's a very frustrating feeling and I think that's why I am obsessed with vampires and wizards so much. These things are amazing, they're out there, they're different from your everyday hum drum life. They're exciting. I just wish I could apply this insane capacity of excitement and knowledge to something a little more down to earth......
In high school I was introduced to the Harry Potter series and just like it was with vampires, I fell in love with the wizarding world as well. I couldn't get enough magic into my head. It was like a feeding frenzy when it came to the wizarding knowledge; I had to know anything and everything about what it meant to be a wizard. I was completely hooked on it. I would sit in class and daydream of Hogwarts and walking down the halls, discovering little corriders to explore, talking to ghosts, performing wizarding tricks on my friends. My dreams were even more vivid and it always sucked waking up because I knew I wasn't a witch anymore. I was the biggest geek when it came to Harry Potter; I re-read the books countless times, I owned all the movies, had the posters, had board games...I even went to a midnight book party for the 7th book. It was insane how crazed I was. Even to this day, having read the books at least five times each, and having had seen the movies countless times, my face and my mood just light up when I talk about wizards.
I recently saw the movie Twilight and I'll admit, when it first came out, I did not want to see it. I'd see loads of tweens freaking out about it and even some middle aged ladies going gaga over the movie and I thought it was ridiculous how stupid people were being over it. Needless to say, one Sunday night I got convinced by two of my friends to go see it at the $1.50 theatre and I sat in the chair with zero expectations.....within the first 10 minutes of the movie I was blown away. The passion this vampire Edward Cullen has is INCREDIBLE!!! Simply incredible. There is this one scene when he is describing how perfect a killer he is and how everything about him invites you in: from his scent, to his face, even his voice....everything about him draws you in. He is the perfect killer. As I'm sitting in the chair, I'm rapidly regressing back to my 8 year old mind set and was wishing desperately to be a part of that world. As the credits rolled, my jaw was on the floor and my heart was racing.....I wanted so badly to be in that world!!
Let me clarify, I'm definitely sane. My bolts are securely fastened to my head and no loose marbles are rolling around. But if there was a possibility to be either a wizard or a vampire, I would jump at that chance, no questions asked. Both of those lives fascinates me so much that it occupies my thoughts 80% of the time. The ability to have that much control and that much power over your own life is incredibly appealing. If I were a wizard, I could do unlimitless things!! I could fly on a bloom, I could play sports in mid air, I could disappear in a snap, I could catch things on fire, I could leg lock people.....I could do a lot!!! And if I was a vampire, I could live forever! I could see the Earth evolve into hopefully a better place. I've always had this fascination with biting, I actually used to bite people a lot when I was 4-5. I'd get letters sent home to my parents saying I bit another kid or something....it's funny now thinking back on it, but I'm sure my parents weren't thrilled at all. But biting is this weird thing, strangely erotic if you think about it in a weird, kinkyish sort of way....but it's fascinating. You have to be extremely close to someone to bite them; it's a very personal act, you invading someone's space and all. But I've always been fascinated by biting...I have no idea why but it just is fascinating. And the fact that vampires get to do that all the time would definitely seem intriguing.
I know this sounds really crazy, here is this weirdo who has a fascination with biting people and being a witch....perhaps someone should call the looney bin but no I think it's more than that. Not to sound egotistical or anything but I've always felt in my heart of hearts that I was meant for something great. Whether that be the person who invents longer lasting toilet paper or the girl who swam around the world....something where people would know who the hell I was. Believe me, I know that sounds insanely egotistical and makes me look like some attention craving weirdo but it's not that. I don't know how to exactly describe it but it's just there. It could stem from the fact that I'm not happy with my life at all. I love my friends, family, job, etc but I just feel like I'm supposed to be doing this great thing and I haven't the foggiest as to what it is. It's a very frustrating feeling and I think that's why I am obsessed with vampires and wizards so much. These things are amazing, they're out there, they're different from your everyday hum drum life. They're exciting. I just wish I could apply this insane capacity of excitement and knowledge to something a little more down to earth......
07 March, 2009
A release
I'm not an angry person by far; I think most people I know would actually say I teeter more on the line of getting walked all over than an explosive person. We all have our triggers, certain things that piss us off faster than others and I've got mine as well. However, I really don't have a great release for the times when I get so angry that I shake. These times I just want to punch something, kick something, scream til I have no voice whatsoever, whatever it takes to blow off some steam. But it always seems that when I do get really angry, I'm always in a place where it's not socially appropriate to do any of that and I'm forced to cage the beast. "Sometimes when you cage the beast, the beast gets angry." Because I was forced to do that for so many years, I always wondered what it would be like if it finally just exploded out of me. I always joked that someone would say "hi" to me and I would snap and rip them a new one, something I apparently have a reputation for doing ;) No one has ever truly seen me angry and I'm sure it would shock the shit out of them. I think, I'm finally getting somewhat of a release by writing and getting my thoughts out of my head and onto "paper." Maybe the more I write, the more steam is released and the cage will unlock. I can only keep writing and see where my train of thought leads me.
Cheating
I just finished a hellacious week of school last week; I had four make up exams in three days on top of keeping up with my normal amount of homework as well as working a couple of shifts. So needless to say, I got little sleep and my stress levels were at the max. I have one particular teacher that I have for two classes and he is an extremely detailed person it seems like; the first make up exam I got from him, I looked at it and was literally mouthing, "What the fuck?!" as I was trying to figure out what to write. It just so happened that the last make up exam I took was the other class I had with him, involving rhetoric, and I guarantee that I failed because I walked out of there leaving 60 points blank because I didn't know the answer. This was a Wednesday and at this point, I was exhausted and extremely stressed. I sat there looking at this God-forsaken thing and my mind was wiped clean. I couldn't think of a damn thing to put down in my blue book....it was awful. I was in a hallway and people were walking by, professors were laughing in their offices and anything and everything was highly distracting to me. That's when the stupid tears came...welling up in my eyes, blocking my vision. Like I said, a hellacious week.
After I finished taking that last exam, I started to think about how tough school is and the pressures they put on us students to succeed. It started in middle school when we had the lovely EOG's, or to the layman, End of Grade exams. Basically a test to see how well you could regurgitate the mass accumulation of shit that was crammed down our throats that year. Welcome to the contemporary school system. This trend continued to high school where we graduated to the EOC's, End of Course exams, which was basically the same bullshit but with higher levels of bullshit crammed down our throats. Even at the middle school level, you were an idiot if you didn't realize that we were pressured to get good grades on these EOG's in order for the school to get more money and the same applied in high school. Teachers stopped teaching for the love of teaching, but for the EOC's to get money for the school. No longer were we encouraged to take classes that might interest us, no no, we had to have 4 years of English, throw in some foreign language for a couple of years, etc. We got about 7 years of training for tests where all we were encouraged to do was learn something for a test, spit it out and then forget it. And of course this wasn't for one course, this was for alllllllll of our courses.
Like I was saying, after my hellacious exam, I started thinking about all this and I began to understand why people cheated on exams and such. In college, you have the average plate load of 16 credit hours or so and each class gives an insane amount of reading like that is your only class and you have no other distractions to keep you from reading 5 chapters a night. And with exam scheduling, it feels like the teachers conspire and put all their exams in the same week. So it's no wonder that cheating happens....a lot. Success, getting a degree in order to get a "good job"....it's all been beaten into our heads and with so many demands on our time, we don't have time to study properly and I totally understand why people cheat to get good grades. They put the information in their calculators, cell phones, on their shoes, the list goes on. I have a friend who takes the label off a Dasani bottle and prints information on the back of it, wraps it back up on the bottle and sits that on his desk during tests. He sips out of the bottle and has loads of information right at eye level. It's ingenious how many ways people cheat nowadays.
Now I am not condoning cheating by any means but it makes you wonder why teachers come down on students so hard for cheating, depending on the severity of it, you can get expelled from my university. They train us for years to learn material for a test, then to forget it only to memorize more material for a test in 3 weeks, then complain that we aren't retaining any information for later on. They punish us for cheating, yet put all this pressure on success like it's some magic fountain of youth that everyone just has to drink out of in order to have a great life. I don't understand it, you teach us to do one thing then turn around and punish us for doing it......make up your fucking minds!!!!!!!!!!
I personally think that the whole education system needs to be restructured anyways, with putting more emphasis on actual things that everyone should learn rather than that humanities bullshit that everyone is hopped up on. There are people in their twenties that don't know how to balance a check book....now that is just sad. And they wonder why so many college students fuck up their credit....teach them the simple idea that just because they have a credit card with a credit line of $15,000 that it doesn't mean that they just inherited $15,000 in cash and can blow it however they see fit. That big screen TV, those 22" rims, all that bullshit that you really don't need anyway, all has to be paid for! Shocking isn't it?! Schools should teach us practical things instead of crap we really don't need to know...don't get me started on calculus. I'm not saying no focus on the academics but perhaps less pressure to be perfect robots, and maybe people will begin to learn for the love of learning rather than how we learn now which is to spit it out on an exam to get good grades to get that "good job."
After I finished taking that last exam, I started to think about how tough school is and the pressures they put on us students to succeed. It started in middle school when we had the lovely EOG's, or to the layman, End of Grade exams. Basically a test to see how well you could regurgitate the mass accumulation of shit that was crammed down our throats that year. Welcome to the contemporary school system. This trend continued to high school where we graduated to the EOC's, End of Course exams, which was basically the same bullshit but with higher levels of bullshit crammed down our throats. Even at the middle school level, you were an idiot if you didn't realize that we were pressured to get good grades on these EOG's in order for the school to get more money and the same applied in high school. Teachers stopped teaching for the love of teaching, but for the EOC's to get money for the school. No longer were we encouraged to take classes that might interest us, no no, we had to have 4 years of English, throw in some foreign language for a couple of years, etc. We got about 7 years of training for tests where all we were encouraged to do was learn something for a test, spit it out and then forget it. And of course this wasn't for one course, this was for alllllllll of our courses.
Like I was saying, after my hellacious exam, I started thinking about all this and I began to understand why people cheated on exams and such. In college, you have the average plate load of 16 credit hours or so and each class gives an insane amount of reading like that is your only class and you have no other distractions to keep you from reading 5 chapters a night. And with exam scheduling, it feels like the teachers conspire and put all their exams in the same week. So it's no wonder that cheating happens....a lot. Success, getting a degree in order to get a "good job"....it's all been beaten into our heads and with so many demands on our time, we don't have time to study properly and I totally understand why people cheat to get good grades. They put the information in their calculators, cell phones, on their shoes, the list goes on. I have a friend who takes the label off a Dasani bottle and prints information on the back of it, wraps it back up on the bottle and sits that on his desk during tests. He sips out of the bottle and has loads of information right at eye level. It's ingenious how many ways people cheat nowadays.
Now I am not condoning cheating by any means but it makes you wonder why teachers come down on students so hard for cheating, depending on the severity of it, you can get expelled from my university. They train us for years to learn material for a test, then to forget it only to memorize more material for a test in 3 weeks, then complain that we aren't retaining any information for later on. They punish us for cheating, yet put all this pressure on success like it's some magic fountain of youth that everyone just has to drink out of in order to have a great life. I don't understand it, you teach us to do one thing then turn around and punish us for doing it......make up your fucking minds!!!!!!!!!!
I personally think that the whole education system needs to be restructured anyways, with putting more emphasis on actual things that everyone should learn rather than that humanities bullshit that everyone is hopped up on. There are people in their twenties that don't know how to balance a check book....now that is just sad. And they wonder why so many college students fuck up their credit....teach them the simple idea that just because they have a credit card with a credit line of $15,000 that it doesn't mean that they just inherited $15,000 in cash and can blow it however they see fit. That big screen TV, those 22" rims, all that bullshit that you really don't need anyway, all has to be paid for! Shocking isn't it?! Schools should teach us practical things instead of crap we really don't need to know...don't get me started on calculus. I'm not saying no focus on the academics but perhaps less pressure to be perfect robots, and maybe people will begin to learn for the love of learning rather than how we learn now which is to spit it out on an exam to get good grades to get that "good job."
21 February, 2009
The brick wall
I've said earlier that I'm a fifth year senior at the greatest school in the world. My original plan wasn't to get a four year degree in five years but shit happened and it actually turned out for the better that I stayed an extra year. I get a second degree and more time with my friends. However, as glad as I am to be with my friends and at my university for longer, I am definitely feeling like I'm banging my head against a brick wall right now.
Though I've never been tested for it, I'm pretty damn positive that I have ADD. When it comes to school work, actually sitting down and reading chapters, I can't do it. I love reading but I can't sit there and read multiple chapters like that. It's almost like I physically can't do it. Anything and everything will distract me; it's even worse when it comes to writing papers. I usually cork one out at the last possible second, despite my many efforts of starting them early. Everything seems to be a distraction to me; ironically enough, the only place where this does not seem to affect me is at my job, where there are a billion flashy things to distract my mind. But for some reason I'm not distracted at all....I'm actually more focused on what needs to be done. Maybe it has to do with the other people working with me that depend on me to get my shit done so we can go home, or that I enjoy my work more than reading chapters of literature....I don't know but it frustrates me. I don't want to be like this; I don't want to be like a five year old child with shiny things surrounding me constantly. I'm graduating in May, nothing is going to stop me but my mind is definitely making a damn good effort at that at times.
I don't know what I'm going to do....I don't like taking medication and don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life either. I thought that if I structured my life more, almost to the point of being OCD about how I did things, I would be able to focus my mind better but so far nothing is working. I may have to swallow my stubbornness and get medication to focus....we'll see :(
Though I've never been tested for it, I'm pretty damn positive that I have ADD. When it comes to school work, actually sitting down and reading chapters, I can't do it. I love reading but I can't sit there and read multiple chapters like that. It's almost like I physically can't do it. Anything and everything will distract me; it's even worse when it comes to writing papers. I usually cork one out at the last possible second, despite my many efforts of starting them early. Everything seems to be a distraction to me; ironically enough, the only place where this does not seem to affect me is at my job, where there are a billion flashy things to distract my mind. But for some reason I'm not distracted at all....I'm actually more focused on what needs to be done. Maybe it has to do with the other people working with me that depend on me to get my shit done so we can go home, or that I enjoy my work more than reading chapters of literature....I don't know but it frustrates me. I don't want to be like this; I don't want to be like a five year old child with shiny things surrounding me constantly. I'm graduating in May, nothing is going to stop me but my mind is definitely making a damn good effort at that at times.
I don't know what I'm going to do....I don't like taking medication and don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life either. I thought that if I structured my life more, almost to the point of being OCD about how I did things, I would be able to focus my mind better but so far nothing is working. I may have to swallow my stubbornness and get medication to focus....we'll see :(
20 February, 2009
Twenty-four goals for 2009
So a couple of my friends have started a list of goals based on their ages and since I'll be 24 this year, I'm doing 24 goals :) These are in no particular order....well, except for #1 because that is the most important as of now.
1) Graduate in May
Very big deal for me, the fifth year senior thing is getting old
2) Lose a significant amount of weight
I'm tired of being shapes
3) Eliminate my credit card debt
4) Establish an emergency fund
Thanks Brandon for the idea :)
5) Get a girlfriend
Slightly selfish, but I don't care.
6) Get a black lab puppy
And I shall call him Shane :)
7)Purge my DVDs to a minimum
Why do I need so many??
8) Find a town home/house by the end of the summer
My lease expires in July and I'm tired of my shit smelling like pot due to assholey neighbors.
9) Go back to the UK for at least two weeks
10) Go camping in Deep Creek like I use to when I was a kid
I used to wait all year to go camping because it was so peaceful and relaxing and allowed me to really re-focus everything.
11) Get a burger from Johnson's Burgers
Apparently they have the best burgers in the world.
12) Go to New York City
I've always wanted to go, definitely want to eat the pizza, and want to check out Central Park.
13) Get back into photography.
I used to really be into taking photos, weird ones but they were cool to me and I just haven't had time with school and such.
14) Find car insurance/health insurance....all the insurances you need as an adult before school is over so I'm somewhat prepared for the monthly money consumption.
When I graduate, I get dropped from EVERYTHING!! Welcome to the adult world!!
15) Completely cut soda out of my life.
I had been doing such for a while, but I've been cheating as of late.
16) Spend more time with my parents.
I feel bad because I hardly ever go home anymore.
17) Go to a North Carolina beach.
I've lived in NC for 13.5 years and have NEVER gone to the beach here.
18) Take a cooking class(es).
I can cook things following the back of the box, but I mean real cooking, healthy cooking.
19)Let go of my hatred/jealousy/whatever the fuck you wanna call it for Brittany.
She cheated on my best friend and I still hate her for it. Why should my blood pressure rise because of her?? That would be letting her win.
20) Volunteer at a soup kitchen or Habitat for Humanity
I've done them both before and it felt so good to help others.
21) Stand up for myself more.
I'm much better at this but definitely have room for improvement. I'm tired of people taking advantage of me and giving two shits about doing it.
22) Blog at least once a week.
23) Start going to bed before midnight.
Gotta stop burning the candle at both ends.
24) Exercise regularly.
In an effort to be less shapes and to feel better.
1) Graduate in May
Very big deal for me, the fifth year senior thing is getting old
2) Lose a significant amount of weight
I'm tired of being shapes
3) Eliminate my credit card debt
4) Establish an emergency fund
Thanks Brandon for the idea :)
5) Get a girlfriend
Slightly selfish, but I don't care.
6) Get a black lab puppy
And I shall call him Shane :)
7)
Why do I need so many??
8) Find a town home/house by the end of the summer
My lease expires in July and I'm tired of my shit smelling like pot due to assholey neighbors.
9) Go back to the UK for at least two weeks
10) Go camping in Deep Creek like I use to when I was a kid
I used to wait all year to go camping because it was so peaceful and relaxing and allowed me to really re-focus everything.
11) Get a burger from Johnson's Burgers
Apparently they have the best burgers in the world.
12) Go to New York City
I've always wanted to go, definitely want to eat the pizza, and want to check out Central Park.
13) Get back into photography.
I used to really be into taking photos, weird ones but they were cool to me and I just haven't had time with school and such.
14) Find car insurance/health insurance....all the insurances you need as an adult before school is over so I'm somewhat prepared for the monthly money consumption.
When I graduate, I get dropped from EVERYTHING!! Welcome to the adult world!!
15) Completely cut soda out of my life.
I had been doing such for a while, but I've been cheating as of late.
16) Spend more time with my parents.
I feel bad because I hardly ever go home anymore.
17) Go to a North Carolina beach.
I've lived in NC for 13.5 years and have NEVER gone to the beach here.
18) Take a cooking class(es).
I can cook things following the back of the box, but I mean real cooking, healthy cooking.
19)
She cheated on my best friend and I still hate her for it. Why should my blood pressure rise because of her?? That would be letting her win.
20) Volunteer at a soup kitchen or Habitat for Humanity
I've done them both before and it felt so good to help others.
21) Stand up for myself more.
I'm much better at this but definitely have room for improvement. I'm tired of people taking advantage of me and giving two shits about doing it.
22) Blog at least once a week.
23) Start going to bed before midnight.
Gotta stop burning the candle at both ends.
24) Exercise regularly.
In an effort to be less shapes and to feel better.
19 February, 2009
Lying
I've recently recovered from a two week bout with bronchitis. It was bad; I missed two weeks of class and trust me, as much as I hate busy work, I definitely did not want to miss that much class. It sucked, I was coughing all the time and had congestion, a fever at one point....I felt like shit. I went to work, definitely shouldn't have but I hate calling out sick because I feel like I'm screwing them over. I just go to work and infect them all with my SARS hehe. I hate calling out so much that I went to work and later that night puked all over the break room.....yeah that was awesome. Now there is something that can always cut me down; I'm on top of the world and all my bosses have to do is say, "Yeah, you remember that time you puked all over the break room.....looooooooser!" hehe
I digress....after I was feeling better finally, I sent my professors e-mails letting them know that I had bronchitis and that is why I was gone so long; I explained that I went to the doctor's twice and have documentation and that I would be in class the next day. This is where my problem starts: in my head, it makes more sense to me to explain why I have been absent AFTER I'm better. I feel weird e-mailing them the day I am missing and say, "I'm not in class because I'm sick. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow, but I'm not coming to class today." To me, it feels like some kind of cop out so I e-mail after I'm better. And that is where I ran into my problem. I have five professors, three of them were cool with my e-mail two weeks later. I showed them the doctor's notes and my absences were considered excused and I'm allowed to make up my exam. Professor #4 says that I should have e-mailed her earlier and that because it's been over a week since the exam, I can't make it up. Here comes a zero, about 15% of my grade or more that is a zero. She says it is her policy, that there were other people that were sick and had e-mailed her and were able to make up the exam. She is just trying to be fair to everyone, she says, and I totally understand the need to be fair. I completely understand this. I can't stand it when some people get special treatment over others, so I was with her on that......however, yeah it sucked for me, not gonna lie.
And here enters the whole point of this particular diatribe....enter professor #5. I have him for two classes. I e-mailed him and showed him my two doctor's notes in class and he tells me it's not enough documentation. He wants to know when the symptoms started, what I had, and why it kept me from class.....all written by a doctor. All my other teachers, the two doctor's notes were sufficient. Now when he said this to me, I interpreted that as him not believing me. Now that really ticks me off. I can't stand liars, like I REALLY CAN'T STAND THEM, and my interpretation was that this guy was calling me a liar. So I left class slightly irked and drove to the stupid doctor's office and explained the situation and am going to get the note for him. I was starting to really get irritated about this so I called my buddy Rudy and was venting to him and he laughed at me. After some talking he got me to see that this guy wasn't calling me a liar, perhaps just being a pain. He brought up a point that I never thought about: to me, e-mailing the professor after I'm better makes sense because I know I'm a trust worthy person and am telling the truth about my sickness. However, these professors don't know me that well and they don't know if I'm just skipping because I don't want to go to class or what; they don't know that I'm trustworthy which is why they ask for documentation. Once I thought about that, it made sense and I cooled down.
Later today I was thinking about why I got so angry, so quickly, about what my interpretation of the situation was and it was because I thought he was accusing me of lying. To me, trust is EXTREMELY important; if I can't trust you, I don't want to be around you....period. I don't want to be around someone who I'm constantly guessing if they are telling the truth or not; I'd just rather not be around you. So when my professor said that stuff, I thought he was saying he couldn't trust me which upset me greatly because I don't lie. I'll tell you the truth, get myself in trouble, over lying and getting busted later. If I'm womanly enough to do something, why the hell would I lie about it....it's stupid. Lesson learned, email the teacher earlier to give them a heads up.
My 24 goals are almost complete, they'll probably be the next post actually.
I digress....after I was feeling better finally, I sent my professors e-mails letting them know that I had bronchitis and that is why I was gone so long; I explained that I went to the doctor's twice and have documentation and that I would be in class the next day. This is where my problem starts: in my head, it makes more sense to me to explain why I have been absent AFTER I'm better. I feel weird e-mailing them the day I am missing and say, "I'm not in class because I'm sick. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow, but I'm not coming to class today." To me, it feels like some kind of cop out so I e-mail after I'm better. And that is where I ran into my problem. I have five professors, three of them were cool with my e-mail two weeks later. I showed them the doctor's notes and my absences were considered excused and I'm allowed to make up my exam. Professor #4 says that I should have e-mailed her earlier and that because it's been over a week since the exam, I can't make it up. Here comes a zero, about 15% of my grade or more that is a zero. She says it is her policy, that there were other people that were sick and had e-mailed her and were able to make up the exam. She is just trying to be fair to everyone, she says, and I totally understand the need to be fair. I completely understand this. I can't stand it when some people get special treatment over others, so I was with her on that......however, yeah it sucked for me, not gonna lie.
And here enters the whole point of this particular diatribe....enter professor #5. I have him for two classes. I e-mailed him and showed him my two doctor's notes in class and he tells me it's not enough documentation. He wants to know when the symptoms started, what I had, and why it kept me from class.....all written by a doctor. All my other teachers, the two doctor's notes were sufficient. Now when he said this to me, I interpreted that as him not believing me. Now that really ticks me off. I can't stand liars, like I REALLY CAN'T STAND THEM, and my interpretation was that this guy was calling me a liar. So I left class slightly irked and drove to the stupid doctor's office and explained the situation and am going to get the note for him. I was starting to really get irritated about this so I called my buddy Rudy and was venting to him and he laughed at me. After some talking he got me to see that this guy wasn't calling me a liar, perhaps just being a pain. He brought up a point that I never thought about: to me, e-mailing the professor after I'm better makes sense because I know I'm a trust worthy person and am telling the truth about my sickness. However, these professors don't know me that well and they don't know if I'm just skipping because I don't want to go to class or what; they don't know that I'm trustworthy which is why they ask for documentation. Once I thought about that, it made sense and I cooled down.
Later today I was thinking about why I got so angry, so quickly, about what my interpretation of the situation was and it was because I thought he was accusing me of lying. To me, trust is EXTREMELY important; if I can't trust you, I don't want to be around you....period. I don't want to be around someone who I'm constantly guessing if they are telling the truth or not; I'd just rather not be around you. So when my professor said that stuff, I thought he was saying he couldn't trust me which upset me greatly because I don't lie. I'll tell you the truth, get myself in trouble, over lying and getting busted later. If I'm womanly enough to do something, why the hell would I lie about it....it's stupid. Lesson learned, email the teacher earlier to give them a heads up.
My 24 goals are almost complete, they'll probably be the next post actually.
17 February, 2009
I've finally done it
Well hello. I've finally listened to my friends and started my own blog. I've been wanting to for a while now because I think that writing will be theraputic for me but just haven't gotten around to it but I'm trying to restructure my life and am hoping getting everything out onto paper will help me with that. Right now the direction of my life feels like a gigantic circle; I'm not happy with the direction my life is going, but I guess going in a circle makes no one happy. I'm hoping with this blog, I'll be able to clear my mind and hopefully find myself or at least figure out why I hate my life right now. I'm going to start with what a couple of my friends have been doing with a list of goals. I'll be posting my 24 goals soon, once I figure them out. Now it's off to bed for now because I'm exhausted from sitting in a car for 10.5 hours.
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